Chapter Sixteen: The Feeling of Home

Few people are truly unafraid of death; those who seem fierce and fearless are, for the most part, just driven to desperation, fighting with nothing to lose. Li Xian was no exception. Though he possessed memories from three lifetimes, he had no intention of playing the tragic role of a young man dying before his time. Now, with Wu Meiniang pressing down on him, sweat poured from his brow uncontrollably—there was no one in the entire Tang dynasty who understood Wu Meiniang better than Li Xian. She was a heartless demon, ruthless beyond measure; to achieve her secret ends, there was nothing she would not dare to do. In her eyes, the bond between mother and son was nothing but a joke. Li Xian dared not hope for a shred of kindness from her.

Admitting fault seemed simple—just a single sentence. But Li Xian could neither do it nor wished to, for retreat now would mean a future with no grave to rest in. His escape had long since vanished; all he could do was persist. Even if it was futile, it was better than waiting passively for death. So, though sweat streamed down and his legs trembled, Li Xian refused to yield.

“Father, Mother, I believe Seventh Brother’s words are correct. The case of Lord Shangguan has had a huge impact, shaking both court and country. It would not be wise to act rashly; caution is best.” Amid the suffocating silence, Li Xian could no longer hold back. He stepped forward, gritting his teeth, and spoke loudly.

At last, someone stood up—damn it, couldn’t you have done so sooner? With Li Xian breaking the deadlock, Li Xian breathed a silent sigh of relief; his tense heart settled. The only reason Li Xian dared to rise against Wu Meiniang was his certainty that Li Xian would support him. It wasn’t just because the matter concerned Li Xian himself, nor simply because Li Xian had already declared his intention to follow Li Xian, but mostly because Li Xian knew Li Xian’s upright nature would inevitably erupt in such a situation, likely stepping forward to argue and thus divert Wu Meiniang’s attention. And so it proved—Li Xian had gambled correctly!

“Father, Mother, I believe Sixth and Seventh Brothers have spoken well. Caution is always a virtue. I ask Father to decide wisely.” With Li Xian speaking up, Crown Prince Li Hong could no longer sit still. He didn’t want Li Xian to steal his thunder, and he feared that if he let Li Xian have his way, Li Xian would fully align himself with Li Xian, causing future trouble. Of course, creating difficulties for Wu Meiniang suited Li Hong’s own interests, so he was happy to join in.

“Hm, yes, yes, Meiniang, what do you think…” Though Emperor Gaozong fully agreed with his sons, before Wu Meiniang he lacked the courage to decide. Stammering, he passed the decision back to her.

“Your Majesty, it’s good that the children care for the realm; I wouldn’t dare not to congratulate them. Hm, since all believe the Shangguan case hides something deeper, we should investigate thoroughly. In my opinion, let the Three Judicial Offices examine the matter again. It’s best to get to the bottom of things.” Wu Meiniang was a clever woman. Seeing the father and sons united, she knew not to press too hard. She swept her gaze over Li Xian and Li Xian with subtle meaning, then smiled and echoed Gaozong's words—but her phrasing left a hidden loophole.

“Good, let it be so! Attend me!” Gaozong had not anticipated Wu Meiniang would be so agreeable. Seeing her accept the sons’ request, he became excited, unable to wait, and called out forcefully. Liu Fuming, the chief eunuch waiting outside, immediately hurried in with a group of young eunuchs.

“Fuming, go, convey my command to the officials: say I will issue an edict to thoroughly investigate the prison and the Shangguan case. The truth must be revealed. Tell them all to disperse for now; tomorrow’s morning court will discuss the matter in detail.” In high spirits, Gaozong waved his hand and issued his orders, and Liu Fuming and the others rushed to carry them out.

A disaster that threatened to erupt within the palace vanished quietly and without drama. Gaozong smiled, Li Hong smiled, Li Xian smiled, and Wu Meiniang smiled as well. The atmosphere in the grand hall was warm, a scene of harmony: husband and wife in accord, fatherly love and filial piety, a family united. Joy and affection flowed freely. Yet Li Xian could not share in their happiness. Though his face shone with a brilliant smile, his heart was heavy. He had detected the back door left in Wu Meiniang’s words and guessed at the actions she would take. Sadly, though he saw through it, he dared not speak up, nor even hint at it—though Li Xian’s interruption had diverted Wu Meiniang’s attention, it could not guarantee she had no suspicions, nor prevent her from secretly investigating him. In such circumstances, how could Li Xian risk drawing attention? If he provoked Wu Meiniang’s murderous intent, the consequences would be unbearable. Troubled, he was in no mood for the false joy of family affection. Though his body remained in the hall, his mind had drifted far away…

“Clouds cross the Qin Mountains—where is home? Snow blocks the Blue Pass—my horse cannot advance!”

In the main chamber of the Prince Zhou’s residence, Li Xian, clad in a white fox fur robe, stood before the open window, letting the biting wind redden his small face without moving. His eyes, blurred with emotion, lingered on the snow piled in the courtyard. After a long silent vigil, he finally sighed deeply and recited softly, filled with loneliness. He missed home—of course, not the one before him, but the home of Deputy Mayor Li in a future era.

Counting carefully, including the fifty-five years of his previous life, Li Xian had lived in this dynasty for sixty-five years—more than twice the thirty years of Deputy Mayor Li’s life in the future. Yet in his heart, that later home was his true home. Though his official duties left him little time for family, the warmth of that household far surpassed the intrigue-laden imperial home of this life. Whenever he thought of the wife and twin daughters he could never see again, Li Xian’s heart ached terribly, and tears slipped unbidden from the corners of his eyes, streaming freely down his cheeks.

“Your Highness, what’s wrong?”

Just as Li Xian was lost in silent sorrow, a gentle voice called from behind. Then, a tiger skin coat was draped over him.

“Ah, no, nothing. The wind just got in my eyes, that’s all. Really, it’s nothing.” Li Xian turned and saw that Yan Hong, his chief maid, had appeared behind him, causing him a moment of embarrassment. He hastily wiped the tears from his face, forcing a smile.

“Your Highness, are you really all right?” Yan Hong was unconvinced by his weak explanation, scrutinizing Li Xian with suspicion and hesitating before asking again.

“I’m fine, see? I’m perfectly well. Go on with your tasks; I’ll just stand here for a while.” Though Yan Hong was close to him, Li Xian had no desire to let her know his hidden pains. So, he spoke dismissively, intending to send her away.

“Your Highness…”

Staring at Li Xian’s youthful face, Yan Hong’s eyes suddenly dimmed. A wave of grievance welled up, reddening her eyes. For over five years, she had managed Li Xian’s daily life; through days and nights together, she had come to regard him as her dearest person. In the past, Li Xian had never hidden anything from her, their relationship more like siblings than master and servant. Yet recently, Li Xian seemed a different person—still a youth in appearance, but his manner had changed entirely: he spoke less, and even intentionally or unintentionally distanced himself from everyone in the household. Yan Hong was deeply hurt, though she could not fathom why, feeling only silent resentment. Today she had hoped to talk with him, but he remained as distant as ever, leaving her heart sore.

“Yan Hong, please, don’t cry, really, I’m fine.” Li Xian could not bear to see girls cry, and remembering Yan Hong’s years of devoted care, he became flustered, stammering in his attempts to comfort her. But the more he tried, the more Yan Hong wept, her tears flowing even more freely, leaving Li Xian helpless.

“Sigh, Yan Hong, truly, I’m fine—just weighed down with some trivial worries. Enough, enough, I won’t think about them anymore, all right?”

Watching Yan Hong weep, Li Xian felt a pang of tenderness. Suddenly, he recalled how, in his previous life, when he was deposed by Wu Meiniang and exiled to Fangzhou, all his attendants abandoned him except Yan Hong and Gao Miao, who never left his side, accompanying him throughout. Yan Hong worked herself to exhaustion and died in Luling; even in her last moments, she worried about Li Xian’s future, urging him to endure and endure again. That deep affection still seemed fresh in his memory, filling him with guilt. He hurried over, stood on tiptoe, and, with his wide sleeves, awkwardly tried to wipe away Yan Hong’s tears. But, distracted, he slipped, falling into Yan Hong’s arms and knocking her onto the nearby couch. For a moment, warmth and fragrance enveloped him, and Li Xian felt reluctant to rise.

“Oh!”

Yan Hong had not expected to tumble together with Li Xian. Fearing he might be hurt, she ignored the pain in her back and tried to sit up to check on him. But as she moved, her left breast pressed against Li Xian’s lips, and a sudden sensation sent a cry from her.

The commotion was loud enough to alert everyone nearby. Cui Liu and the other maids in the outer chamber rushed in, and upon seeing the suggestive scene, they all froze in astonishment. Yan Hong blushed furiously, pushed Li Xian away, and, head lowered, squeezed past the crowd and fled.

“Heh heh… really, I’m fine, just slipped.” With everyone now staring at him, even Li Xian, who was not overly shy, found it hard to bear. He forced a laugh, trying to explain, but the more he spoke, the more awkward it seemed. The maids erupted in laughter.

A home with laughter truly feels like home! Seeing the maids laughing so heartily, Li Xian, embarrassed beyond measure, finally joined in their laughter, and the gloom that had weighed on him for days began to dissipate.

“Your Highness!”

Just as the room bubbled with joy, Gao Miao, sweating and breathless, burst in from outside, called out once, and then stopped, his expression most peculiar…